toneloc&company

Seriously. Seriously. Why do babies sleep all day and not at night? I can't wake Beckett up for anything this morning but he sure was awake all night. But it is amazing how I learn to live on so little sleep. It's like your body just gets used to it. I may live ten young less from chronic lack of sleep, but hey.. that's ten years sooner I will get endless sleep. Oh and what's with binkies, where the heck do they disappear to? They are like socks.
So I was thinking about why we don't speak our minds more. Seems like everyone around me, including me has something to say to someone and just never does. So I was trying to figure out what it is for me... why there are some things I say and some things I don't dare say. I can think of two main reasons this is my theory: one is we are afraid the relationship won't survive the conflict, second is we don't want to admit it ourselves.
For example I have been a kind of bad friend to someone and it was like I couldn't admit and didn't want to admit that I had just gotten too busy and too pregnant and miserable to think about anyone other than myself. So I see some pictures of her and it brings it all to the surface and floods me with regret and nostalgia. I hadn't realized that I didn't want to admit to myself that I wasn't being a good friend. I usually pride myself on being a good friend so this was kind of a hard realization to face. Hard to say it out loud. So once I realized this I had to immediately fix it. Get it out in the open. But I think a lot of the time it's hard to tell people how we really feel and be completely honest because we are afraid to admit to ourselves how we are really feeling and the person we really may be. The truth is easier not said.
Same goes for the other theory of mine, that we are afraid our relationship can't handle the truth, the conflict that would come about if we really said how we felt or really told the truth. And in all honesty any relationship that can't handle the true feelings and honesty isn't really a healthy balanced relationship. If we aren't capable of telling our spouse or friends, or mother or brother or whomever how we feel and be honest is it a relationship that adds to our lives or takes away? Instead we just live with the resentment and it festers inside of us and sometimes poisons the relationship and sometimes doesn't. So I guess it's up to us to decide and to choose our battles. Where is the line between when the truth hurts and when it needs to be put out there?
On my half hour outside of being a mother last night I visited the car wash with Polly (the Prius). Is it a sad thing that I have had a special bond with whatever car wash I live by? It's always been like a refuge. Washing my car (our car) is sort of like this therapy for me. It was more so when I had my own car and my car was like another extension of me, my buddy. So I must be a freak a person who enjoys a good clean car. I mean if you spend thousands of dollars on something shouldn't you take care of it? We take better care of our 200$ dollar Ipods then we do our cars. A clean car is a happy car. My mom always told me a car drives better when it's clean. It's wonder hers even runs at all. LOL just kidding. But I swear as I drove Polly home she was smiling. She too is thankful that I don't have a 20 pound ball strapped to my belly anymore.