Day At The Farm

We finally made it to the farm! We had been trying to go forever, so at least we made it. The tractor driver even recovers shoes there, so we highly recommend it. Sorry Ash that you missed the group photo. I love this first action shot of Brogan, it's awesome. But I am glad we all went it was nice to see those of you that our play dates have been suffering.

This Cage We Call The World

"We are like rats in a cage and the cage is the world."

My professor said this last night.. (for those of you who are new to the blog, yes I am still in school. I love school. Hate homework and tests, but love school and am slowly but surely getting a degree. Too little studying at USU.) So this is why I love going to school... for thoughts like this put out there unknowingly by a intellectual pompous professor (why is it the more you know, the more you think you know.. shouldn't it be the opposite?). Thoughts that make you think, ones that make you realize things outside your small head and naive world. If you study behavior you will see that we are all just a product, to a large extent, based on our surroundings. We are rats in a cage trying to survive in our surroundings. We adapt to the surroundings whether it may mean religion, marriage, language, goals, hobbies, etc. Just something to think about. We are the way we are for many reasons, I will not profess to explain or put one reason or even three on why we are what we are. I do think it's interesting, often disturbing, and very educational to admit that we have the tendency to be rats in a cage. We are conditioned to respond to things, to find importance or unimportance in things, to see things, to buy things, to become things, often for the wrong reasons... and we may not even know it. We are taught, we learn what life is...by our surroundings.
Which brings me to another topic I have been pondering (yes, there is more). The importance of location brings into play our cage. I do not venture very far outside of my city. Have you seen the trees here? Anyway...this is where I spend 95% of my life. I have really enjoyed it here. I have made a family, best friends even. My neighborhood is almost becoming a family outside of my family. There are people here I truly love and especially admire. I feel that they keep me grounded.. we live in a place famous for down to earth people and people with real roots. These things rub off on you. I see these people often. Most even by choice. I just think I am so lucky to have found this place, been put here on purpose, because I never really realized in my house desperation how important the cage the house is in is when shopping for a house. These people around you could watch your kids when you need a break, run with you, vent with you, empathize for you, come to your kids' birthday parties, come in your house without you there, become your second hand grocery store, borrow you wine-if you're lucky :) TO COOK WITH, CHILL OUT.
Anyway to sum it all up.. If we are rats in a cage and the cage is the world. I sure am glad my cage is here in my little Hansel Gretel, weird swirly painted posts, jamaican house. (You'd have to see it to understand.)

This is what I want to say to Piper this morning.. Breakfast? Clothes? Bath? Dress my baby? Get this? Drink? SORRY I CAN'T... TOO TIRED.

Another sleepless night with Beckett. I tell ya.. This kid does not sleep. Never has, and hopefully will. Nights are like an adventure in our house.

Deep Processing

Ok I have another post today.. since the kids are both asleep, I can not edit, and dinner is already in the slow cooker, and I took a test yesterday so studying is off the list...

I am working on, an never ending journey.. being more centered. We'll call it that for all intensive purposes. I heard somewhere, probably church, that all you need to do is pray... that is where spirituality starts.

I find it so hard to be centered and in tune with what matters most in this world. By centered I mean filled with spirit, down to earth, perspective, quiet, simple, kind and patient. I am so utterly surrounded by competition and people and things trying to tear those around them down. The confusion and insecurity of the world is so contagious. I try so hard to not partake of things, shows, places, people, blogs, websites, etc.. that aren't uplifting, pure, trusting, or spark things in me that I may not be mature or confident enough to be exposed to. But I always fail. My center shifts and I get sucked into the ways of the world and the way it makes me feel or act.

But I always keep on trying. Start back at one. Re commit to finding that center again. List ways to not fall off the fence again and let my mind wander into things that don't matter. Competition, insecurities, expectations, lists, fear, stress. None of that matters.

What does matter is you, your family, doing whats best for them, trying to be better, being still, living simple, being smart, being kind, being a cheerleader for the people you love. Breathe. That is what I am trying to do day in and day out.

Adding To The List Of Things I Never Thought I'd Do...

Been surprising myself over and over again with my so un-Toni like behavior. As these things are piling up in my mind I figured I better jot them down before they are considered part of my long term memory storage retrievable indefinitely.

1) Buy jars for canning.. AND ACTUALLY CAN.
2) Make homemade jam
3) Make a blanket, then buy MORE fabric for another one.
4) Let my daughter paint the town red in a Minnie Mouse costume.
5) Start a business.
6) Plan weeks worth of meals (BORING).
7) Be excited when I only spend 37$ on a weeks worth of dinners.
8) Read my Everyday Food before my Glamour magazine.
9) Rather clean than get ready for the day.
10) Be considering a boob job. Not actually, just thinking how nice it could be......TMI?
11) Run, without being in a hurry or chased by a bad guy.
12) Find something to replace The Oc (ALMOST).
13) Consider being pregnant AGAIN.. not wanting.. just considering it a possibility someday.

TOTALLY RAD!

Yep I can say things like TOTALLY RAD about this. I SAW HER AT THE GATEWAY THIS WEEKEND! Re read it if you don't believe me! Yeah we were there on a special date (thanks Danelle and Alex) and Jake pointed her out and I followed her for a little. SO COOL! Oh Summer, how I miss you..... She must have been shopping for Seth.

BEST DAY EVER! It was seriously so cool. Would have been cooler if she seemed nice though...........

Exposing My Calluses

Ya ever just have one of those crappy days.... I did! Yesterday as a matter of fact. We won't go into details but there was some intense lack of sleep, some puke, some unwillingness to nap, a missed dinner, and a missed party, and a few fits in the store. But on with the point of the post. I was looking through pictures and came across this one this morning... Ah who could have a bad day? I mean does it really matter that I am in constant proximity to both of these cute faces AT ALL TIMES OF EVERYDAY. I mean, at least they are cute.

There is one thing (among the many) I have learned as a mom, that I am retaught and retaught time and time again. Life is not for us anymore, it's for them and the well being of our family. I think that is one of the amazing things about us moms whether we like it or not some of the time we are so strong and often callused. I was thinking of all the ways I have changed in the recent years and one thing that kept coming up was almost that I seemed numb. Not numb in a bad way.. almost like I don't feel like I used to. I believe it's a lot of maturity, but also the fact that my feelings are far down the line pertaining to the feelings and needs that matter. I have learned to deal with them on my own and sometimes just push them aside. I mean they are just after all feelings not high on the list of what is relevant in life. I always thought it was weird that my mom never cried. Like she was callused and didn't feel. But I understand now that I am a mom. It's not that you don't feel it's just that you are callused, strong, mature, and trying to be unselfish. We form those calluses over our thoughts and wants sometimes so that they are more numb and we can ignore them when they sting us with their presence. I think as parents we are so amazing for how much we sacrifice, how little we take care of ourselves sometimes, and how frequently we put asides our needs and just slide them off into never never land. And it's so worth it to give to these cute sweet little faces and the moments when you catch one of them being nice to the other without being told.

Special Moment: My First Tag

I have never done a tag, but my hilarious college friend ,Ashley did this one so I thought hey, I am almost as weird as her so I'll do it too :) I have so many weird things about me this is so easy.

1) I am also OCD with cleaning. I clean the toilet and around the toilet a million times a day, no seriously.. at least three or four times. It will help when I have my own bathroom :) I clean the steering wheel of whatever car I drive before I drive it. I disinfect the remote all the time. I wash everything.. ALOT.

2) I have to have the second Diet Coke bottle back in the line of them at the store. I have done this since walking to Terrace Depot. I started cause I thought it was colder the farther back they were, but now it's just something I have to do because it's unlucky not to..

3) Have to restart the odometer EVERYTIME I get gas. atch out.

4) I must talk to my brother everyday. It weirds me out if he isn't in the top twenty of my phone recent calls when I scroll down.
5) I really like to do laundry. Ironing included.

6) I wear sunscreen, spf 70, on my face, everyday. Rain, snow, shine.. even if I am not going anywhere. I am sort of a freak about the skin on my face.

7) I have to have chocolate everyday. Can be substituted for Cutler's sugar cookies.

My Runner's Analogy

I went for a run the other night, by myself, and so I got to do some reflecting. Throughout the whole summer I have ran with my dear friend. Running without her was not an option because it was too darn hard to go alone and I wouldn't care to make it far enough. That is how it has been since I had Piper, but I went the other night alone. All those early tired mornings after staying up all night with a baby, pushing myself, watching my accomplishments have all led up to that night for me. Running through the leaves in the brisk air alone, quick, multiple miles, no music. A huge accomplishment for me. For some, maybe not so much, but for me to be able to do the miles, at the pace I did, I never would have guessed I'd be there. My grandma always tells me "IT AIN"T EASY." She wrote me a letter and just said that and told me to put it up on my fridge so I can always see it. When she raised her four daughters alone that saying was on her fridge for years.

As such with life. It ain't easy. But it's worth it. I can see that through my running. It wasn't easy, all those early mornings. Most nights I was up with Beckett many times dealing with ear problems, but I went anyways. And now here I am. Addicted, fit, strong, and much more confident in my accomplishments. I think it is with anything that is worth it. It ain't easy.

Throughout every stage in life we encounter things that are hard, no matter their severity. Whether it's the loss of a first love, a broken friendship, marriage adjustments, raising children, selecting worth while friends.. it all at times ain't easy. But with persistence and a clear mind stepping out of the now into the big picture. We can make good decisions and see the long term benefit of whatever we are doing.

So now... I think I'll go for a run before it snows :)

Go here ----------------------------------------------->

See pictures of yesterday.

If This Doesn't Make You Want To Buy A Truck.....

If you let me take pictures of you like this, what do you expect? I thought my brother looked pretty stellar in a suit today so I took the opportunity to take some pictures.. since he is so photogenic and all. I think this could sale some Toyotas, if our family doesn't already own them all.



Sorry for the monotony if you check both blogs, the majority of people only check this one.. so if you check my second blog.. you may see some things twice.

Just Because

I love Farmington cause it's a farm town, horses everywhere. I mean we literally hear horses neighing from our front steps. And roosters crowing. So it makes a horse lover like me at home. This was a sweet horse even though he shied at every shutter.

Note my name on it.. yep, that's it in the corner. That way if any of you yay whoos want to steal a picture of a horse with a big nose then everyone will know that I was the odd ball that stopped and petted him and was trying to zoom in on his boogers.

Gondola

The girls switched up the typical Friday hang at grandma's to go up to Snowbasin. Good times had all around. I ALMOST didn't add the one with me in it because I look like an idiot with weird hair, since I had just come from a hair appointment, but I decided to post it because I look so retarded :) Hey, why not. So don't complain I don't ever put myself on it... Besides who would have known Carson could follow directions to get a good picture out of the sister. LOL.

Peanut Boy

Oh man, I am going to do the typical "I can't believe...." but I can't believe how quickly these little ones grow. One year birthdays and walking.. so surreal. I love this little peanut, he stole my heart the minute he came out smiling. He is the happiest, most pleasant little boy. I love his freaking guts, sniffle, sniffle. How did I get to be so lucky? I was sitting in Enrichment tonight thinking, man.. my life is as it should be. This is prime time. Although it's so difficult at times and I want to bury my head in the diapers, it's a special time.

Me With My Head Buried In This Hobby

Scott and Trish: I have just begun with all the great images I got of the kids.. so check out my photo blog for more, and more to come.

http://tonelocandcompany2.blogspot.com/