I. Don't. Know. A. Good. Title.

Well I can warn you right now this isn't going to be a cherry coated post. And why I feel inclined to blog and let strangers and lots of people read it-I don't know.. or maybe no one will see it at all, let's not flatter myself with the thought that many people care what I have to say at all. Doesn't matter. But it seems blogs are either outlets or a platform in which one uses to brag, consider mine today, just for today- the outlet.
I know as a mom you aren't supposed to need anything from anyone. At least that is what I learned from example. My mom never needed or needs anything from anyone. Mom's are callused and invisible. I am callused. I am invisible. It's the life I chose, for sure. But it doesn't always feel great. You know logically each time you have another kid that it's going to mean more work and less time for yourself. But you can do it, you have done it the prior times and been fine. It's worth it. Except when it feels like it's not. Which it sometimes feels that way. It sometimes feels like a piece of you gets lost a little more each day. Everyone once in a while when I have a moment of peace and quiet and hear a song, or smell the smell of summer or the sound of crickets on a summer night I get a flashback of who I am, or who I once was. Who am I now-I couldn't even tell you half the time. The answer to that question most days is mom. I am a mom. What else do you need to know?
Well for a person who has always felt the need to define myself, to spend time alone, to have privacy, to express myself through hobbies, or activities I need to know more.
Some days I can do everyone's dishes, wipe up pee, referee constant fighting, clean up meal after meal, and go through the day with a half a shower, a half a second to get ready and a millisecond to paint my nails only to not have time for them to dry and thus they are only smeared. But do I have time to take off the nail polish? Are you kidding. Some days I can do this, happily, gratefully. I have a family, that is awesome. I get to stay at home and raise my kids myself. Most days I do this happily. But some days I don't. Some days I want to be more than a mother and a maid. Days where I want to be treated other than this mother and a maid and this invisible person with super powers that enable her to be callused with the thought that all I am good for is picking up after other human beings, that these other human beings are above doing it themselves. My arms are only for holding babies and laundry. Not holding cameras or new clothes on hangers in Nordstroms. My hands are for changing bums, wiping noses, and disinfecting floors. They aren't hands with painted nails that get the chance to touch my loverboy uninterrupted. My boobs, well they are used for things they used to not be used for too.

Anyways being a mom is a tricky thing. It's a roller coaster day by day. We turn into this closet-like thing that people of all sizes can just reach into our shelves and take what they need. They only refill our shelves when they are empty.

I actually know why I feel inclined to share my thoughts with no privacy. I believe in being real. In being honest. This is who I am. It's not always good and I know people snicker at things I say and do. My bluntness. I know mostly moms read this, my dear friends who mean the world to me. Even though we like to put on a happy face of perfection at times, I think and hope there are times even the most positive of you with the best attitude have these days. Or weeks. Or months. Especially after having babies. Which many of you are doing or going through. We need to band together. Help each other instead of compete with each other. Say the things we are ashamed to feel or think. Afraid we will be judged or looked down on, or our husbands will be mad or offended. So..amidst all the judgment and offense I am sure is abundant in this entry-maybe it offered something someone needed. And if not-at least I feel better! Which means more energy to put my arms to work holding a baby and get my hands busy disinfecting those floors.


And here are some pictures.

Here is Piper, don't her eyes just scream "I LOVE YOU MOM"




In this one she is saying, "When I get home I am going to go into your makeup box and destroy all your expensive makeup. That will show you."

At least we can smile nice for the camera.




Ah Peanut. I love you. I heart you. Please stay sweet.





And thanks to all the swing advisers. I bought one and I am pretty sure heaven sent it down in an Amazon box. She loves it.