Day At The Farm

We finally made it to the farm! We had been trying to go forever, so at least we made it. The tractor driver even recovers shoes there, so we highly recommend it. Sorry Ash that you missed the group photo. I love this first action shot of Brogan, it's awesome. But I am glad we all went it was nice to see those of you that our play dates have been suffering.

This Cage We Call The World

"We are like rats in a cage and the cage is the world."

My professor said this last night.. (for those of you who are new to the blog, yes I am still in school. I love school. Hate homework and tests, but love school and am slowly but surely getting a degree. Too little studying at USU.) So this is why I love going to school... for thoughts like this put out there unknowingly by a intellectual pompous professor (why is it the more you know, the more you think you know.. shouldn't it be the opposite?). Thoughts that make you think, ones that make you realize things outside your small head and naive world. If you study behavior you will see that we are all just a product, to a large extent, based on our surroundings. We are rats in a cage trying to survive in our surroundings. We adapt to the surroundings whether it may mean religion, marriage, language, goals, hobbies, etc. Just something to think about. We are the way we are for many reasons, I will not profess to explain or put one reason or even three on why we are what we are. I do think it's interesting, often disturbing, and very educational to admit that we have the tendency to be rats in a cage. We are conditioned to respond to things, to find importance or unimportance in things, to see things, to buy things, to become things, often for the wrong reasons... and we may not even know it. We are taught, we learn what life is...by our surroundings.
Which brings me to another topic I have been pondering (yes, there is more). The importance of location brings into play our cage. I do not venture very far outside of my city. Have you seen the trees here? Anyway...this is where I spend 95% of my life. I have really enjoyed it here. I have made a family, best friends even. My neighborhood is almost becoming a family outside of my family. There are people here I truly love and especially admire. I feel that they keep me grounded.. we live in a place famous for down to earth people and people with real roots. These things rub off on you. I see these people often. Most even by choice. I just think I am so lucky to have found this place, been put here on purpose, because I never really realized in my house desperation how important the cage the house is in is when shopping for a house. These people around you could watch your kids when you need a break, run with you, vent with you, empathize for you, come to your kids' birthday parties, come in your house without you there, become your second hand grocery store, borrow you wine-if you're lucky :) TO COOK WITH, CHILL OUT.
Anyway to sum it all up.. If we are rats in a cage and the cage is the world. I sure am glad my cage is here in my little Hansel Gretel, weird swirly painted posts, jamaican house. (You'd have to see it to understand.)

This is what I want to say to Piper this morning.. Breakfast? Clothes? Bath? Dress my baby? Get this? Drink? SORRY I CAN'T... TOO TIRED.

Another sleepless night with Beckett. I tell ya.. This kid does not sleep. Never has, and hopefully will. Nights are like an adventure in our house.

Deep Processing

Ok I have another post today.. since the kids are both asleep, I can not edit, and dinner is already in the slow cooker, and I took a test yesterday so studying is off the list...

I am working on, an never ending journey.. being more centered. We'll call it that for all intensive purposes. I heard somewhere, probably church, that all you need to do is pray... that is where spirituality starts.

I find it so hard to be centered and in tune with what matters most in this world. By centered I mean filled with spirit, down to earth, perspective, quiet, simple, kind and patient. I am so utterly surrounded by competition and people and things trying to tear those around them down. The confusion and insecurity of the world is so contagious. I try so hard to not partake of things, shows, places, people, blogs, websites, etc.. that aren't uplifting, pure, trusting, or spark things in me that I may not be mature or confident enough to be exposed to. But I always fail. My center shifts and I get sucked into the ways of the world and the way it makes me feel or act.

But I always keep on trying. Start back at one. Re commit to finding that center again. List ways to not fall off the fence again and let my mind wander into things that don't matter. Competition, insecurities, expectations, lists, fear, stress. None of that matters.

What does matter is you, your family, doing whats best for them, trying to be better, being still, living simple, being smart, being kind, being a cheerleader for the people you love. Breathe. That is what I am trying to do day in and day out.

Adding To The List Of Things I Never Thought I'd Do...

Been surprising myself over and over again with my so un-Toni like behavior. As these things are piling up in my mind I figured I better jot them down before they are considered part of my long term memory storage retrievable indefinitely.

1) Buy jars for canning.. AND ACTUALLY CAN.
2) Make homemade jam
3) Make a blanket, then buy MORE fabric for another one.
4) Let my daughter paint the town red in a Minnie Mouse costume.
5) Start a business.
6) Plan weeks worth of meals (BORING).
7) Be excited when I only spend 37$ on a weeks worth of dinners.
8) Read my Everyday Food before my Glamour magazine.
9) Rather clean than get ready for the day.
10) Be considering a boob job. Not actually, just thinking how nice it could be......TMI?
11) Run, without being in a hurry or chased by a bad guy.
12) Find something to replace The Oc (ALMOST).
13) Consider being pregnant AGAIN.. not wanting.. just considering it a possibility someday.

TOTALLY RAD!

Yep I can say things like TOTALLY RAD about this. I SAW HER AT THE GATEWAY THIS WEEKEND! Re read it if you don't believe me! Yeah we were there on a special date (thanks Danelle and Alex) and Jake pointed her out and I followed her for a little. SO COOL! Oh Summer, how I miss you..... She must have been shopping for Seth.

BEST DAY EVER! It was seriously so cool. Would have been cooler if she seemed nice though...........

Exposing My Calluses

Ya ever just have one of those crappy days.... I did! Yesterday as a matter of fact. We won't go into details but there was some intense lack of sleep, some puke, some unwillingness to nap, a missed dinner, and a missed party, and a few fits in the store. But on with the point of the post. I was looking through pictures and came across this one this morning... Ah who could have a bad day? I mean does it really matter that I am in constant proximity to both of these cute faces AT ALL TIMES OF EVERYDAY. I mean, at least they are cute.

There is one thing (among the many) I have learned as a mom, that I am retaught and retaught time and time again. Life is not for us anymore, it's for them and the well being of our family. I think that is one of the amazing things about us moms whether we like it or not some of the time we are so strong and often callused. I was thinking of all the ways I have changed in the recent years and one thing that kept coming up was almost that I seemed numb. Not numb in a bad way.. almost like I don't feel like I used to. I believe it's a lot of maturity, but also the fact that my feelings are far down the line pertaining to the feelings and needs that matter. I have learned to deal with them on my own and sometimes just push them aside. I mean they are just after all feelings not high on the list of what is relevant in life. I always thought it was weird that my mom never cried. Like she was callused and didn't feel. But I understand now that I am a mom. It's not that you don't feel it's just that you are callused, strong, mature, and trying to be unselfish. We form those calluses over our thoughts and wants sometimes so that they are more numb and we can ignore them when they sting us with their presence. I think as parents we are so amazing for how much we sacrifice, how little we take care of ourselves sometimes, and how frequently we put asides our needs and just slide them off into never never land. And it's so worth it to give to these cute sweet little faces and the moments when you catch one of them being nice to the other without being told.